Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You know…for fall…
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.