Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.