I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
How dude HOW?!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.