There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Perfect.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.