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Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.