I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?