No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those