6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
You Might Also Like
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.