Damn what did I do next
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
broke down and did it
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)