Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Accurate
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.