My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”