Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
How is it still this week?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.