[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
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“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.