Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Clients after you give them your rates
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
They’re the worst 😩
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.