Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.