I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
You Might Also Like
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.