Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine