I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.