I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.