[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My boss called in sick of me
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
wtf is a larm clock?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”