You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???