Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.