[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”