When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
You Might Also Like
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…