(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”