Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I unironically love this joke.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back