Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.