No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.