*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys