A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.