Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
felt that
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Only a mother’s love …
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.