Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
You Might Also Like
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Message from the dog groomers
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.