In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I hate my earbuds.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.