If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
You Might Also Like
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
i want to work in this restaurant
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The little toadstool has spoken.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet