Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Leaving the Barbers like
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Fiction has to make sense.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.