when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
You Might Also Like
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Can’t, holding a grudge
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Why font matters.