Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
You Might Also Like
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess