When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The 6 types of sex
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet