When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Writing, She Murdered.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Just a bush.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Stop it! 😂
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross