*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
even bears disappoint their mothers
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos