the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I think the cat got the dog high.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?