[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
my fav colour is also hitler
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses