Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.