My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
#oldknees
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I’m literally crying
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”