I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!