*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.