I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones