How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
You Might Also Like
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.