My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
it must be school picture day
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die