Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.